Why do I do What I do?

Isn’t the first time I’m asking this question to myself.

I have some strange and some not so strange behaviors. Without a single miss everyday I talk about pets I’ve had. You know, like a pet obsession. They have been my best friends. They’ve petted me equally in our growing together years. Now, I have to talk about my next best friend, book. Books and authors have been my friends, my mentors and also sometimes my opponents. When I’m reading a book I immerse and I absorb the characters like a sponge. I can walk and talk like them until another book and a new set of characters play my psyche. Thankfully I’m not a big fan of sci-fi. Grabbing books have been super easy these days. I’ve turned into a thorough kindle girl, so easy and so handy. The idea of shopping turns me off these days. Also I’ve noticed, I’m very uncomfortable shopping while someone’s with me all along, strangely, I could purchase a wardrobe full in an hour when I’m all by myself. Some husbands would love to have such a wife, while, marido’s different, he wants to walk along the stores with me. Well, you see, unlike attracts. That reminds, I get attracted to problems like a magnet. I hardly can air difficulties or grievances. But, problem solving gives me a thrill and a purpose. These days, I’ve found myself a new hobby. It is to sit by for days watching a tree by my window. It’s coloured its leaves, shed them all, been standing strong in the cold winter, growing back into tiny green edges and now its all of green to sway happily in the wind.

I think.. only think.. I have deep sense for details and I could let go of it all in a click.

We drove by the giant mountains around California. Some were neon white covered with snow and some were standing bare with tinges of green grass and yellow wild flowers. We are so tiny in the vastness of this nature and yet we create so much complications around – politics, industrialisation, relationships, world trades and what not. They remained my vacation thoughts. In the US visit I realised we watch more of Trump bizarre than they do. As my routine commenced I got hooked to the French election story and its result with the victory of the youngest, Macaron. Then I went on an unf$*k your habitat mode and did some dumping and house clean up. It felt like a therapy, except that once a while marido was in a playful mood to create ripples in an otherwise meditative ambience.

I think.. and think.. I have a butterfly mind which wanders in its thoughts and makes me do what I do.

A lot of stories I’ve picked to read have been a re-read of history. Some discussions I have are on how to make the best of everyday. I often take opportunities to make strategies on business for future. Past, present and future take their chances in circles.

I think.. and also think.. adequate curiosity is the essence to add flavours to my life. It’s hard to make sense of it in bits, but I’m beginning to look for my patterns. Questioning with why, how and what are acting as my tools.

Reasons beyond reasoning

Stories were printed by the press and a lot of talks were done on shows. I could hear his pain, he had lost his sister. It’s a loss that would take years to heal and probably the one which could never put back life together. I heard the news of her death this morning and ever since I’ve remained shocked and shaken. Everything seems so vulnerable.

It’s hard to imagine what the soul would have gone through to take such drastic steps. For many years he was her husband and in a moment he’d turned a killer. The unimaginable relationships turmoil would have created a wound in her, a wound that could never heal. It would have uprooted all her emotions. It would have her forget everyone else –  mother, daughter, brother, friend and possibly everyone. The situational blame and the shame would have reached such enormous heights that death posed as the only option.

Every year, many fall prey to taking their own lives for possibly no fault of theirs. Often people and situation are blamed. Investigations vast out and judgements are passed. Such emotional disconnect around that no one turns into understanding ‘why’. Probably we are a race of people who are raised in a box and have a culture that is shielded from emotional evolving. We encourage everyone to push boundaries, but in reality we are pulled into the known darkness. From childhood we are taught to win and no one helped us with handling failures.

The media has grown into a large industry and today they are masters in public shaming. Opinions that fit its TRP strategy would be broadcasted. Viewers watch such harassment shows for hours.

I hope, someday each of us will say ‘enough is enough’ and help humanity evolve. A culture where we care for choices and we nurture emotions. A culture where we encourage creativity and hold accountability.  A culture where we respect differences and we learn & grow.

To all the souls that took their own lives! Deeply saddened. RIP.

Goals

December is a month of an entire year’s reflection, making plans and writing down goals for the year to follow. I read many blogs and reviews on how to approach goals writing. I remained all the more confused on how to write mine – whether to keep it narrow and deeper or to keep broad and higher, whether to use time logger or to use checklist, whether to keep achievable goals so I could stay happy or to keep the one’s which push boundaries so I can aim high.

I liked Elizabeth Grace Saunders’s “Stop setting goals that you actually don’t care about”. Being a time coach she has wonderfully put how you should keep yourself a single focused goal and go about achieving it. It is to align between what you say is important to you and how you would invest your time in achieving it. I personally fetch too far, drafting many goals and end up achieving probably half of what I’d promise. I think the detractor has always been multitasking and focusing on not even one goal in greater depths.

I like the goals chart that has a focused goal for Personal, Relationship and Career. This way you will remain well rounded. You’d probably want to adjust the weightage on each of those baskets every year, which is a kind of report that hints on how you’ve responded to those goals the previous year.

We all live in the swamp of creating an impact. We could become too hard on ourselves and lose our basic rhythm. It’s good to hear our intrinsic echoes and alter goals in a timely manner. I mean everything is so agile these days, we’ve even moved our processes in organizations to fit the dynamism in the market. If you can get honest about why you’d alter your goals and why it would be better to ditch them, it’s perfectly fine to do so. Just be aware.

 

The more you search, the deeper it gets

You begin to reflect on your good and bad days

When you measure them all, that’s when it hits

You ain’t an achiever and there are many greys

You’d roll over the dice, then and there

Stop that urge to gamble your choice

Prepare to get better and aim higher

Give it a learning, weigh cons and pros

Do follow your passion, hear them through

They help you get a direction

It’s that part of the year where

You set goals and you make resolutions

walk up the hill – episode 8

Some 20 odd years ago we’d moved into our new house built in a layout that was developing. There were few houses around and I made new friends. All of us would play many games on the roads. I used to be a kid who’s glued to her mum. I’d go out to play with friends but get home every 15 minutes to see her. I’d run out to school gate in the last hour to see if she’s come to pick me up. I’d never let her watch television. As I grew up I outgrew this behaviour and let my mum have some peace in life.

There was a small temple in a hill nearby. So a few friends and I went there one evening. As a kid there’s a sense of pride when you do things on your own and tell your parents your adventure stories. My parents would always let me try such nomad life. Walk up the hills, hold the roots of banyan and jump from one side to another, play in the waters, and bring home some street animals.These were a natural trail in my journey. It was new for me when an Uncle, dad of two girls who had joined us in the evening expedition came up the hill and started yelling at us. He was concerned. He felt it was a bad idea to walk around all by ourselves. He cursed the older ones for not being responsible kids. I was thoroughly confused, because the upbringing I had was different.

Many years later, I have travelled many countries, I have lived in other countries all by myself. I have taken bold steps that has unwound beautiful learnings. To come to think of it we learn how to embrace the world, how to face the world, how to get street smart, how to take care of yourself and others, how to adapt and evolve only when we are allowed to play the game. If we are not even let to try, we fail even without attempting.

walls & bridges – episode 6

Every day I walk to my canteen, I watch this quote embossed on the wall “We build too many walls and not enough bridges – Sir Isaac Newton”. Some rapid and random thoughts are painted in my brain instantly. I see those nicely varnished walls in my room which resembles water trickling down the rocks. I see the rugged iron pillars and chains hanging on the K R Puram Bridge that I cross twice every day. I think of the Great Wall of China standing grounded for centuries now. I have the memories of Sydney Harbour Bridge that I climbed a few years ago. I’ve cried hearing stories from both sides of Berlin wall. I have smiled looking at the love locks on bridges in Paris. Walls and Bridges simply become our stories.

Bricks or wood built vertically to create a border between two sides of the space defines a wall. Bricks and metals structured to connect two points of land defines a bridge. Now both have a purpose. Yet they can mean either positive or negative based on a context that is glued to them.

I started to connect some emotions and behaviours of mine. When I have a fear, when I want to have time for myself, when I want to feel safe I look for walls. When I am ready to explore, when I feel lonely and want to meet new people / culture, when I am courageous I look forward to cross bridges.

Many of our relationships go sour and we build so many walls around us. Are they worth building bridge? or Is it okay to walk your life like a Halloween in a piece of rectangular pumpkin wall.